I remember experiencing a sense of freedom after we made the decision to drop religion from our lives. But that sense of freedom was quickly replaced by a growing sense of unease and lack of stability. I had never questioned the existence of God. In fact, I've felt His presence throughout my entire life. So while my husband dropped faith completely out of his life, I continued praying and seeking.
It wasn't long before I began exploring other philosophies and worldviews. I read a few New Age and Buddhist authors, but neither satisfied my soul. Their idea of God, or in the case of Buddhism, the lack of a Creator God, was too vague and impersonal.
But my husband had managed to convince me that the God of the Bible was a God made up by uneducated nomads, so I didn't think to go to there for answers. In fact, the atheistic worldview and belief system he had begun adopting was rubbing off on me. I was scared, confused, and alone in my struggle.
One night, as I was laying in bed with my husband and our son, I simply couldn't go to sleep. This was extremely unusual for me. Usually, I would fall right to sleep the moment my head hit the pillow. I was, after all, an exhausted first time mom! But this night was different. I felt fully awake, and my thoughts were as busy as ever. I realized there was no way I was going to fall asleep anytime soon, so I got up from my bed and walked over to our living room. Suddenly, my heart filled with an overwhelming sense of joy and I began to feel a deep hunger for the Divine. I didn't know what to do, so I started by picking up a Jewish book on faith by a rabbi whom I had great admiration for before our faith fell apart. His ideas on connecting with God, and speaking to Him as if speaking to a dear friend were always so beautiful to me. My joy continued to grow. My soul had reawakened to the Lord's great love for each of His creatures, and there was no going back.
Soon, I was reading the Bible again, and even began accompanying my parents' to their Protestant church. My former interest and desire to live a Jewish life had completely faded, almost around the same time my husband lost his faith. My heart reopened to Jesus, and I quickly realized how much both my husband and I had pushed him to the side in our pursuit of the Torah. He had become a road block, barring us from converting to a faith that has yet to accept him.
After coming home from church on Sundays or Saturday nights, I felt refreshed and happy. My soul was being fed by the Word. It was wonderful being with fellow believers again! I had been living in darkness for far too long.
Even though I was so thankful to the Lord for never abandoning me, I still felt a sense of lack. I was back in the very church I had left just a few years ago for reasons that continued to bother me. "Why do I feel this way?" was a question I often asked myself.
I didn't know what to do, so I stayed put for the time being. I continued going to church and faithfully reading my Bible, all the while praying for direction.
Then one day, my husband, who had been pulling away from me for some time, asked something of me and of our marriage that absolutely shocked and disgusted me to the point that I took our son and left our home immediately. My worst nightmare had come true. My husband and I had separated, and I didn't know what was to come of our separation.
Thus began the darkest time of my life. The only thing that kept me together was my growing faith in the Lord, and my discovery of the Catholic Church - the answer to all of my searching.
How I got there is the subject of my next post, in which I offer the conclusion to my searching.
It wasn't long before I began exploring other philosophies and worldviews. I read a few New Age and Buddhist authors, but neither satisfied my soul. Their idea of God, or in the case of Buddhism, the lack of a Creator God, was too vague and impersonal.
But my husband had managed to convince me that the God of the Bible was a God made up by uneducated nomads, so I didn't think to go to there for answers. In fact, the atheistic worldview and belief system he had begun adopting was rubbing off on me. I was scared, confused, and alone in my struggle.
One night, as I was laying in bed with my husband and our son, I simply couldn't go to sleep. This was extremely unusual for me. Usually, I would fall right to sleep the moment my head hit the pillow. I was, after all, an exhausted first time mom! But this night was different. I felt fully awake, and my thoughts were as busy as ever. I realized there was no way I was going to fall asleep anytime soon, so I got up from my bed and walked over to our living room. Suddenly, my heart filled with an overwhelming sense of joy and I began to feel a deep hunger for the Divine. I didn't know what to do, so I started by picking up a Jewish book on faith by a rabbi whom I had great admiration for before our faith fell apart. His ideas on connecting with God, and speaking to Him as if speaking to a dear friend were always so beautiful to me. My joy continued to grow. My soul had reawakened to the Lord's great love for each of His creatures, and there was no going back.
Soon, I was reading the Bible again, and even began accompanying my parents' to their Protestant church. My former interest and desire to live a Jewish life had completely faded, almost around the same time my husband lost his faith. My heart reopened to Jesus, and I quickly realized how much both my husband and I had pushed him to the side in our pursuit of the Torah. He had become a road block, barring us from converting to a faith that has yet to accept him.
After coming home from church on Sundays or Saturday nights, I felt refreshed and happy. My soul was being fed by the Word. It was wonderful being with fellow believers again! I had been living in darkness for far too long.
Even though I was so thankful to the Lord for never abandoning me, I still felt a sense of lack. I was back in the very church I had left just a few years ago for reasons that continued to bother me. "Why do I feel this way?" was a question I often asked myself.
I didn't know what to do, so I stayed put for the time being. I continued going to church and faithfully reading my Bible, all the while praying for direction.
Then one day, my husband, who had been pulling away from me for some time, asked something of me and of our marriage that absolutely shocked and disgusted me to the point that I took our son and left our home immediately. My worst nightmare had come true. My husband and I had separated, and I didn't know what was to come of our separation.
Thus began the darkest time of my life. The only thing that kept me together was my growing faith in the Lord, and my discovery of the Catholic Church - the answer to all of my searching.
How I got there is the subject of my next post, in which I offer the conclusion to my searching.
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